Maybe two weeks ago my girlfriend and I were joking about the Twilight series of books, which she’s read, and I haven’t. The subject came up because a little while ago I revealed to the internet that I’d read a story where a woman tries to fuck a bear and ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny if I started a series where I reviewed books where women attempted to have sex with animals.
“Well, if that’s the case I’d have to start with Twilight,” I said, “The movies, not the books. I don’t have nearly the time or willpower for the books.”
And so we had a 13 hour movie marathon.
Now, I know a fair bit about the Twilight series despite having never read or experienced them firsthand. Several friends of mine have read the books and through their accounts I managed to piece together a mostly accurate timeline of events. I know that plain jane Bella moves to Washington and shacks up with a vampire and a werewolf, and then two more books happen, and then a werewolf falls in love with a baby (Which, full disclosure, is about 60% of why I decided to do this marathon.) Now that I know the specifics though, well, I kinda wish I didn’t.
The Twilight Saga, Part 1: Twilight (2008)
No, that’s not the actual full title. Yes, I will be referring to all of them like that.
So, weird specific number one: After Bella Swan has moved to Forks, Washington, she gets to her new high school and is immediately introduced to the Cullens, who are the secret vampires that live there. That part I knew already. What I didn’t know was that, despite none of the vampires actually being related by blood, their cover is that they’re a big foster family. The problem here is that four of the five Cullen “children” are actually married to each other, and they make no effort to hide it. Bella’s friend Jessica is quick to point out that she thinks it’s weird that the Cullens are incestuous, but that she supposes it’s okay because they’re not technically related.
Let me write that again, because it bears repeating: Spouses are pretending to be related but not hiding that they fuck. Like, they can’t keep it in their pants for the eight hours that they’re at school. It’s ridiculous. Understandably though, all the other kids stay way the fuck away from the Cullens, so I suppose in the end it’s actually a pretty good cover.
Bella has biology with the mysterious and sickly pale Edward Cullen, who looks like he’s about to vomit as soon as Bella enters the room for the first time. He bails and later we see him trying to change classes but can’t. He’s just going to have to deal with the vomitous Bella.
Edward goes way out of his way to constantly approach Bella so that he can tell her to leave him alone, which she does. Repeatedly. Edward gets increasingly agitated that she keeps bumping into him (by his design) until he’s so mad at her that they start dating.
Meanwhile, some other vampires kill a dude, at which point it occurred to me that it’s a really bad idea to keep your coven in a small town where every disappearance and murder would be front page news.
Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire after he stiff arms a speeding van like he’s Marshawn Lynch. Every time Bella talks it’s accompanied by an enormous breathy gasp. Given some of the dialogue I’m starting to think that her brain is like a steam vent, and if she doesn’t do that every time she has a thought her head might explode. Oh, as long as we’re on the subject: Edward can read everyone’s mind except Bella. Why “except Bella” is never explained, so my theory is that every time he tries to read her thoughts all he can hear is the “hold” music that telemarketers put on sometimes.
Meanwhile those other vampires kill another dude. The Cullens start to get pissed off because they’re vegetarians, which in vampire terms means they only hunt rabbits, deer, and quinoa.
The other vampires and the first vampires meet, and James (one of the other vampires) gets the same look on his face that Edward got in biology class. Turns out Bella, for whatever reason, smells fucking delicious. He decides to hunt her for sport, at which point Edward is like “No, don’t do that,” and fights him in a ballet studio, at which point the rest of the Cullens show up, tear James limb from limb, and set him on fire. They look pretty stoked about it too, actually.
Bella and Edward reaffirm their love by lying down in a meadow and staring at each other. You’d think they would have sex, but uh, we’ve got a while before that happens. Roll credits.
Scott’s Final Thoughts: “That was…magical. I feel enriched for the experience.” 3/10
Twilight is by far the worst of the five Twilight films. The actors have no chemistry, the make-up looks ridiculous and it’s applied poorly. Weirdest of all, they didn’t invest in a dolly for their camera, so when the camera pans 360° around the characters (which happens a couple times) it looks shaky and awkward because the rig is sitting on some intern’s shoulder.
What will happen to our intrepid heroes during the intriguing and mysterious New Moon? Spoiler alert, not a whole lot. Tune in next week to find out though. And happy holidays, everyone!