Skip to content

Why They Only Call Him “Beast”: A Response

Why They Only Call Him “Beast”: A Response published on No Comments on Why They Only Call Him “Beast”: A Response

So, a couple weeks ago Billy posted an article about why everyone calls Adam “Beast” in Beauty and the Beast. It got a couple people thinking, myself included, but in the end we all kind of just giggled to ourselves and moved on with life.

BUT THEN.

After browsing the internet for a while the answer was brought to my attention. I’d like all of our viewers to consider the following scenario:

You work for Prince Adam. You’ve been his loyal and faithful servant your entire life, and all you want out of your existence is for him to succeed. However, Prince Adam has grown into a bit of a shit. He’s inconsiderate, he’s selfish, and he throws these lavish, crazy parties that you no doubt have to clean up the following morning. Lame.

One day, Prince Adam is throwing one of these aforementioned parties when all of a sudden a poor old woman comes stumbling in out of the rain. She’s tired, she’s wet, she’s miserable. All she asks for is a place where she can dry off and spend the night, maybe if you’re feeling extra generous she could have a slice of bread from the kitchen. Your heart breaks, because you live in a world with such plenty and she a world with so little. You instinctively turn towards the kitchen to get her a hot bowl of soup.

Prince Adam tells her to go fuck herself.

Your head hangs in shame, because this isn’t the first time he’s been a dick to the poor. His wealth and status have gone to his head and there’s nothing you can do to overturn his decision because you, too, are one of the despondent which he hates.

This time though things go a little sideways. That old woman that Adam just kicked off the stoop? Witch. And she’s mad that Prince Adam has been a selfish turd lately, so she decides to curse Adam until he’s as ugly on the outside as he is on the inside. You feel bad for the prince, but at the same time you’ve gotta give credit to the Witch for a baller move.

Prince Adam starts to change. He screams in pain and the scream turns to a howl. You look on with a neutral expression until you look down and realize that you’re starting to change as well. Turns out the Witch has decided to curse the entire household for feeding and caring for such a reprehensible man. Now you’re a tea kettle.

YOU BET YOUR FUCKING ASS I’M GOING TO CALL HIM BEAST.

It’s Renaissance France, they don’t have the word ‘douchebag’ yet. But you’d better believe that if I got turned into a chandelier because my boss was a tool that I would wake him up every morning at 4 o’clock and get his name wrong. “RISE AND SHINE BEAST. THEY NEED YOU IN CHOREOGRAPHY. WE’RE DOING ANOTHER FUCKING SONG AT 8.”

I would burn all his food. I would make his bath water cold. I’d make him dress tacky. Dick.

By the time Belle ends up in the castle the Prince has been moping with his petty serving staff for like twenty years. He doesn’t trust people, he thinks they’ll shun him. That’s not from the Witch! The Witch never shunned him. She was shunned, but Adam wasn’t. The shunning comes from the fine china that calls him la merde every time Adam wants some damn Kool Aid. It’s not Belle’s fault that she calls him Beast, it’s the only name she knows because it’s the only name anybody in the house uses.

This is a teachable moment, really. I’m not gonna name any names, but I think the moral of Beauty and the Beast might be that you should respect the people that keep your fucking website running. Or something. I might be paraphrasing.

Leave a Reply

Primary Sidebar